I'll do my dreaming with my eyes wide open.

Weekends do not qualify as weekends if all you get off is a Sunday. These miniscule weekends definitely do not suit me. Suddenly I seem to be all geared up for what lies ahead. If anything lies ahead at all that is. For the first time in my life I don’t have a plan. Honestly now if people ask me so what are you planning on doing I don’t know what to say except for well I want a new job and I refuse to look beyond that. I made too many plans and too many of them fell apart. Me and my big and dreamy plans of wanting to study some more. These days I almost feel like maybe I let myself down or maybe I never had that tenacity needed for me to persevere and do something about all those plans. Just look where I am today. I know I went wrong somewhere. I shouldn’t have this self depreciating attitude but I just do. I am not looking for sympathy or for people to reassure me saying that I will do well for myself or that it is just a matter of time. Right now I feel the other way around. I don’t wanna talk big and do nothing about it. Seems like I did a lot of that after passing out of college. Well apparently I am not half as ambitious as I thought I was cos I wouldn’t have been stuck at this point or I am just not good enough. I refuse to believe the latter though. It is not about being “not good enough”. Maybe it is the timing or just plain bad luck. I don’t wanna believe that I won’t make it or that I’ll be stuck being mediocre for the rest of my life like I have been for a long long time now. I hate this tag of mediocrity that has built itself a house in my life.
There I go again. Ranting and raving about the same old. I am very very patient these days. Where did all this patience manifest itself from? The last paragraph is a consequence of some telephonic conversations with prospective employers. Yeah I never got that call back. Am I being acutely pessimistic? I don’t think so. You would judge yourself right if something looked so close and then you realize it bloody far. That’s how close I probably came to getting back my old life again but for me and my shortcomings. That’s why now I am gonna try keeping the expectations to zero. I do not expect anything cos even expecting is a sin. Yeah these days I don’t make any plans for the future anymore cos you know what life just turns it all around and I am left with zilch in hand. But I can’t help but dream but this time am only gonna dream with my eyes wide open, wide wide open.
“I'll do my dreaming with my eyes wide open, and I'll do my looking back with my eyes closed”

I wish cleaning up my cupboard could amount to cleaning up my mind

I am a bad bad girl. I am supposed to be working on some environmental legislations that are oh so monotonous and that do not inspire me at all to wanna work so here I am blogging. Please pardon me if the blog post in its entirety does not make sense. I have all these thoughts floating my mind and I am planning on penning it down even if it ends up sounding a lil disjointed. Sigh! It takes an hour and a half of travel each day to reach work that includes travelling by a cab, then shared cab that we call “shuttles” over here and then probably an auto. I am exhausted by the end of it or maybe it is just a mental block. The only incentive being I get to listen to a lot of music and I come across a variety of people. For instance the other day when a complete junkie got on to the cab with his bag and baggage that included his tattered backpack and a guitar. He looked soooo doped out and lost in his frayed jeans and faded tee and I did wanna make a conversation with him but for the prim and proper office going crowd sitting in the cab who’d think I must be a wee bit crazy wanting to talk to him.  He was in one word “so college going pune hippie types” the kinds we have spent hours smoking up with and singing along with and even been attracted to once upon a time.
I even got on to some cab the other day thinking it’s a shared cab only to realize it was actually owned by some factory and they were transporting goods across the city. I got a lift till my destination since it was on the way only to be shouted at later by my Miss lemony Pie saying “How could you take a lift from a bunch of factory workers?” I didn’t know what to say. They looked perfectly harmless besides I didn’t know that it wasn’t a cab and I saved 15 bucks. Ok that is a lame one. In future I plan to be more careful.
I am so so confused these days about a variety of things. I have stopped thinking or at least I try to. Oh and my sister drives while I don’t and I do feel like quite the looser to be honest about it. Last night I really wanted a smoke so we went downstairs on the pretext of an after dinner walk and I made her drive me down to Park Street to pick up smokes. Hmmmmm!
Last evening Ma and I finally got down to using the new oven and we tried our hand at cooking a stuffed roast chicken. To our utter disbelief after reading and re-reading the manuals we made a half cooked roast that had to be set aside for some normal dal chawal. I remember different days when I could dish out a divine roast. I just do not feel inspired any longer and I don’t want it to be like this. I want that zest for life again. I want that pep and that extra zing in me. I wonder where all of that went. So many times I feel like hell I am just wasting time waiting for the rest of my life to begin when today is all I have and I don’t want this to go for me to realize this is gone too. I don’t even feel like exercising anymore. This is not the way it is supposed to be. What is this and what have I become? I am so negative that I could make a living out of the negativity. This post wasn’t meant to sound bitter. Hmphhhhh! Can we move on to happier things please? :-)
I cleaned my cupboard after eeons yesterday and arranged every piece of clothing systematically, in its rightful place and it did a world of good to my peace of mind. Does that sound strange? It is the same satisfaction I get at work after sorting out my “Desktop” and putting all the files in proper folders, neatly named, renamed for my convenience. I wish cleaning up my cupboard could amount to cleaning up my mind and my life too. Wishful thinking indeed.

To all those candy floss dreams woven years back...

So the server in office is down and I have absolutely nothing to do. I can’t even pretend that I am working and read the New York Times on the sly like I do very often. ;-) Thought I’d blog so here I am. Last week was eventful as we finally shifted to our new apartment and that was a gargantuan effort on our part. Mum, Sis and I were exhausted by the end of it and the sight of the entire unpacked luggage made me wanna cry. I couldn’t move an inch after all the packing, unpacking and drifted into a state of dreamless sleep. Though I do love the new place and the best part being that it is on the 10th floor and we get a splendid view of the city not to forget all the noise of course that comes along with shifting into the heart of the city literally from a relatively peaceful corner.
The job hunt is dragging along and within a span of two days I bugged enough people across the country for something to materialize in the near future hopefully. Sometimes though I wonder when, how, where and then I am like “Shooooo! Don’t think about it.” Digressing from the topic but Fino has told me to completely stop obsessing over wanting to be with someone or waiting for the one and yada yada yada! It is easier said than done man cos even if I am busy working all day or even if I am at home chilling with Mum or studying peacefully and even if I jabber twenty four seven on the phone but when I am alone at night before sleeping I wanna talk to someone and it could be about anything be it something as debatable as foreign invaders destroying Indian temples ( yes I had such a conversation late last night) or something as inane as “how was your day and how was work or how bored were you”? The latter has actually become a habit now and it is a bad bad habit I say.
Okie so I finished reading “Eat, Pray, Love” two weeks back and maybe cos I was in the state of mind I was or maybe my thinking was on the same lines at that point of time but in someways I could so relate to her angst. No wonder women around the world have been recommending this book. I know it isn’t the best piece of writing doing rounds these days and at the end of the day it is just superior chick lit but hell its damn good chick lit I say and better than the “Shopaholic Series” though yes Becky Bloomwood was endearing too what with her over the top spendthrift ways and her weakness for Denny & George scarves. Sigh! This reminds me that I made the cardinal mistake of handing “ A Shopaholic’s Confession” to my Mum on the train Journey to Chennai and oh my god she drew complete parallels between Becky’s insatiable appetite for shopping and my offbeat shopping habits. She’d keep giggling and reading the passages out aloud saying “Oh my Gawd that’s soooo you. Oh my Gawd that’s how you picked up all that stuff.” No I am not a shopaholic at all but I am an impulsive buyer and that’s what ran me into some huge debts a couple of years back. ;-)
Oh I completely forgot to mention that She is getting married and the description of her “Roka” album on Facebook was something along the lines of “ I finally found someone just as psycho as me” hahaha! I couldn’t stop laughing cos only She will say something as neurotic as that on a public forum. Apparently she and I hadn’t cumulatively together thought that something like this would happen to her but it did. Yeayyyyy! So my congratulations to the couple and God bless you both and lots of lauuuu womannn! Here’s to all those candy floss dreams woven years back. 

And Maybe I Missed the Bus....

I have been frantically job hunting last couple of weeks. Hmmmmm! It is such a tedious process begging people to give you so and so’s number or so and so’s e-mail ID and then mail them and introduce yourself and beg some more. I hate this begging game. But then such is this world. This job hunt sometimes is all about how well you beg baby. I am also right in the middle of shifting offices and houses simultaneously. What luck that the new apartment gets ready the same week the furnishings in the new office are completed. Though this new office is gonna be far far away and travelling is gonna be quite a problem.  Hmphhhhhh!
I keep looking all over the country for jobs though I am hoping Delhi works out while heart of hearts I wanna go to Bangalore. But the only incentive for both would be a good job only yes. I promise I don’t wanna land up in certain cities for specific people but of course that would definitely be a cherry on the cake hehehe! Come on I am being honest atleast. My mind is always wandering these days. Sometimes when I look at overachievers it hits me that damn maybe I missed that bus a while back but its never too late is it to make the best out of what we have and dream a new dream.
When I try opening those books in the evening and settle my mind and concentrate on what the printed word is saying there is this sense of power and hope that comes out of nowhere. I know I probably didn’t get down to doing exactly what I wanted to but I can try this wholeheartedly and see where this takes me. No more long term planning please. This is gonna one day at a time, one day at a time. Even one day doesn’t seem to be as easy as I made it out to be. My mind is a veritable maze of thoughts, all higgledy piggledy and I wish I could sieve through them and cast all the negativity away.
I snapped out of something recently. Lets call it a distraction that saw me through a rough patch. But then I guess it assumed gigantic proportions and wasn’t fun anymore and even if I knew exactly where I was going wrong I wouldn’t do anything to rectify my aberration. It took one 10 minute conversation for me to realize that I see you exactly for what you are and I am not gonna be deluding myself any longer. I realize each day that only when I think I deserve more shall I actually get more. Till then I can keep fooling myself and be happy with whatever little scraps I get. Am I talking in riddles or not? Hehehe! I am not gonna be waiting for the wrong train in the wrong station this time. Period! The bottom line being baby if you are as stingy as you are then I am just not that into you. Sowwiee!

I Have Come Undone....

I have wanted to pen a post down for so long but just couldn’t get myself to even start typing. My laptop at home sucks and I mean it. How I wish I could get that shiny new thing that excited me to no end two years back. Sigh! Anyways so we took that long awaited break that I had been looking forward to for the longest time and can I please say it didn’t live up to my expectation, Batty’s expectation and both our expectations cumulatively. I don’t even know what this trip was all about. Yes I had planned it out cos I wanted to be spending time with family in Chennai and friends in Bangalore. At the end it just turned out to be some bizarre waiting game where one just kept waiting for the phone to ring and the plans to be made and until then life just came to a standstill. Batty’s bud day was lots of fun though. We were at Zarah with Giant, Batty’s brother and her friends and Batty and I got happy high on pitchers of Sangria. I don’t remember my glass being empty for even a split second as the wine flowed endlessly and not to forget the pungent taste of the fruits. Hmmmmmm! We got lost on the way back home as a cute junior of Giant’s from college was dropping us and I was too drunk to comprehend that he had in fact gotten us to the right road. Moreover it was really dark and I was palpitating cos Mum had started with her SOS calls. I ran helter-skelter with this huge box of cake in my hand until I made him retrace his route back and finally found my house. I have no idea how we made such interesting conversation with my Mum and Aunt in our inebriated state. The whole evening was discussed and so were our existing/non-existent love lives. On second thoughts I believe they just turned a blind eye to our drunkenness.
A day later we were on our way to Bangalore and Batty was travelling un-reserved. My brilliant idea and of course hats off to her for readily agreeing to travel on such a short notice. We were up at 5 in the morning as we had to stand in the long queue for buying the unreserved ticket that came for all of 80 bucks. If it’s a short distance may I suggest travelling unreserved ain’t all that bad especially if you have the good fortune of encountering a kind TT who indulges you with a seat in the AC compartment as long as you beg and plead and make big big eyes saying “ My friend is a student Sir and this assignment came up and have to rush back to college.” Hahaha! It didn’t seem like I had left Bangalore 4 months back. For a moment I felt I never left. The first night we guys were at Cirrus meeting a friend and to top it all my sister was a lil tipsy and spoke non-stop much to my embarrassment. Though I think my friend was plain amused with her as she told him one funny story after the other about me hahah! The next day was spent lazing around, lunching at La Vigna and later at night I met up with Meggy and the Economist’s brother at Take 5. By then Batty and I were on our own lil trips. I was in a bad mood for whatever reason though I was trying so hard to get out of it while I am convinced some of that rubbed off on Batty who also turned sullen. In fact on Sunday everybody around us including us fought. Sigh! I think there was something in the stars when you plan out something so excitedly and happily and yet nothing falls into place. Though it was lovely spending time with Saggy and Richa. My old house had turned into one open house with us parking our asses there besides Hazel Eyes too who refused to budge an inch out of the house throughout the weekend. We were one merry bunch yet I was sooooo lost in my own quagmire of thoughts.
In some ways we were only too happy when the three days ended and we were back In Chennai. I got time to think, ponder. Sometimes I don’t wanna think as much as I do. I don’t wanna think at all. So I am back home and back to my boring old job. I miss Batty, miss Saggy, miss Chennai, miss my sister and suddenly it feels like I have nothing to look forward to. What now???????? Oh did I mention that all of a sudden I seem to have surrounded myself with self help books and they only make sense as long as I am reading them and after a while its back to square one. Hmphhhhhhh! Plus I finished reading the most depressing book of all called “ She Has Come Undone” by Wally Lamb and with God as my witness in the process me thinks I came undone and had such outlandish thoughts in my head. I definitely suffer from the after effects of having an overactive imagination. Pssstttttttttt! I should just shoooo those thoughts away.

"I think... the secret is to just settle for the shape of your life takes...Instead of you know, always waiting and wishing for what might make you happy."

Wally Lamb(She's Come Undone)

Just get back up when it knocks you down

Utopia hasn’t been a good girl lately. I mean na not the archetypal bad girl she can be but considering the fact that she has become quite saintly compared to what she was in the past her recent behavior is unbecoming of her newly set standards of sainthood. Actually Utopia knows that she is typing utter rubbish at 8:30 in the morning while her Mum screams at her for being the lazy bum that she is increasingly becoming. Utopia and her Mum are supposed to be cleaning Dad’s closet out and they are dreading the entire experience. But happier things first like they are taking a break for the first time this year and really looking forward to it. Mum is definitely looking forward to it but Utopia is quite apprehensive. If Utopia ever gets around to writing down the peculiar self made situations she gets herself into then that shall be quite the story even if the ending might quite not be the way she wanted it to be.
Okie enough of writing in third person and yes I am on a break from today. Yeayyyyyy! I get to meet Batty finally after 3 months and I get to go back and pick up my precious books and chill out with Meggy and Saggy besides my silly younger sister who is gearing up to empty my pockets. I’ve gotten into this habit of hanging around alone cos my only friend in this city Miss Lemony Pie is on a month long sabbatical to Canada. We bid each other a rather tearful goodbye wondering how am I gonna be surviving for one whole month without talking to her 8 times a day since my other lifeline is in Finland ( Hence should not call that often. But I still do mind you. Heheh! ) and Batty has vanished into the backwaters of Goa until I reminded her that God has planned it out almost perfectly as Batty returns to civilization the same time as Miss Lemony Pie leaves the country.
I happen to be haunting Someplace Else almost every evening having a drink all alone and smoking a couple of cigarettes in the dingy black smoking room. Hmmmm do you think its strange? Its not cos I love being alone but just that I’d rather have no company unless its my kinda company. Maybe that’ll change too with time but right now “The Solitary Utopia” is what I have become. I spoke to the Economist last night and every time I speak to him or Batty and Fino I realize damn I miss them oodles and oodles and I wish we were in the same city. Hitting rock bottom wouldn’t seem half as bad as it seems today cos these guys ain’t around. Actually its when you are all alone on a Saturday night doing nothing but sitting all by yourself smoking a cigarette, listening to music on your headphones and watching the world pass by making plans, meeting their friends and family while you finish your drink and head home to an empty house, that is when you miss all the people that were, that use to be and still are but aren’t there for some reason or the other.
I keep looking for my people everywhere I go and somehow as I am getting older it seems more difficult making friends, finding that camaraderie that came so effortlessly when we were younger. Yeah guess it is also cos I have seen happier days that I keep comparing yesterday to today. Today pales in comparison to all the days before. So last night I started reading Elizabeth Gilbert’s “Eat, Pray, Love” . It was a gift from Nish Mish on my Bud Day and I’d instructed her to pick it up for me as I had been wondering what the hell is Julia Roberts ranting and raving about. Apparently this is the book she has been gifting all her girl friends and now she is even starring in the motion picture of the same name. It starts off with the protagonist having a dialogue with God at 3 in the morning and asking him what to do as she doesn’t know how to get out of the present circumstances. She asks him for answers and all she hears is a voice from inside that says just go sleep and it’ll be alright. You’ll get the answers when you have to. So do we get the answers ever? What if we get the wrong answers? What if we keep looking for signs and the signs ain’t convincing enough and we still walk headlong into that wall knowing well that we are gonna crumble into pieces yet again. Do we you get back up when it knocks you down?

"Sometimes when it comes around and it knocks you down.
Just get back up when it knocks you down...."

Let go...

When I set out to meet Pinocchio last evening I had no idea that a couple of hours spent with an old old friend would be the answer to my self made agony the last couple of months. I had been bottling it all up since December. I had become a control freak and I refuse to let alcohol get the better of me cos of my past shenanigans. And of course life hasn’t made it any easier and I was always scared that if I get drunk it’ll all come out, all of it and I don’t want it to come out with complete strangers and my own people are scattered in different places. I actually could not remember the last time I got drunk and let my hair down and acted stupid. This year I haven’t had the luxury to let my hair down and let it go. I wanted to let it go, all of it but found it so difficult and I was loosing myself completely cos this sorrow was consuming almost everything good. I’d cry myself to office each day in the morning and I wouldn’t even know why my eyes filled with tears when apparently it should be over by now. I am supposed to be coping with this better than this. I did a bloody good job of putting on a brave front initially but after it was all over and the friends came and went and I was left to deal with it alone minus anything to look forward to I failed miserably to the point that my Mum had to sit down and speak to me telling me that I shouldn’t think that I am stuck over here and I can leave when I want to if I am not happy. I wasn’t happy. I was just plain miserable and God knows that I did try finding ways to distract myself until that one happy distraction became an obsession and it started hurting so bad. Of course I refused to let go. I wouldn’t let go and I wouldn’t budge an inch. I wanted it my way and sometimes its not your way, most times it isn’t your way and to accept what I had, for what its worth is taking time. But now I think I have started to accept the good. Yeah it has been really really difficult accepting the good cos you keep questioning it time and time again and I am petrified I’ll loose whatever I have now including my Mum, Sis, my job, my friends just like I lost my Dad and the life that was. We have this today and I am here now and I make the best of this cos living in my own make believe world isn’t as much of a respite and living in denial doesn’t help. Last night after my five large vodkas and a lot of quarreling with Pinocchio at the shady Oly Pub as I sat in the cab I made that fateful drunken dial to, hold your breath, we don’t call up ex-boyfriends or lovers on a drunk dial, we call up best friends in Helsinki hahah! Yeah I called up Fino and I babbled utter rubbish for half an hour. I know I have been bothering you too much these days for whatever reasons but at that time I didn’t think of anyone but you I wanted to talk to. Of course the call being interrupted also helped. Yeayyyy! I am so glad that at least someone proves me wrong time and time again. I know I have to let it be, all of it and hope that it turns out fine. I don’t know how and when I am gonna get out of here but I do know I shall someday when it is a different time and day.